Cybertronian Children

Hi, Megatron!

What the..? You and Optimus Prime have CHILDREN?!?

Yup. We're even expecting our third!

Yo' momma's so fat, when she hauls ass, she takes two trips!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

What the..? A nightmare?

Hey, Dad! What's with all the screaming?

Were you and Mom "wrestling" again?

Oh, fuck me.

Pimpatron

I am back from the dead and didn't have to sell my soul to Unicron!

Prime! Your mother is so fat, she... What the..?

What on Cybertron are you and those female fleshlings doing?

These lovely ladies and I will paint the town red tonight!

Challenge accepted!

THE NEXT DAY:

I have one upped you, Prime!

I have THREE bitches instead of just two!

Shit Just Got Real III

You want a piece of me too?

While you didn't sell your soul to Bunnycat, I see you ignored my warning.

Oh, shut up. I had to make a deal or die.

You died when you were decapitated.

Your choices were either go into the afterlife or become Haruhi's slave.

I'm no one's slave!

*SLAP*

 *SLAP*

 *KICK*

Lightning, you are not.

How did you do that?

Here's the deal. You committed murder and attempted two more. Enemies will come out of the woodwork and try to kill you. Lay low. Stay out of trouble. Don't use your magical girl powers, go back to your civilian identity, and entertain your master within the limits of being a high school girl. You don't need to kill anyone to keep her amused.

You don't get to tell me what to do!

You'll do exactly as I say or Haruhi will be the least of your problems.

You Will Not Become Meruru II

What the fuck is going on?!?

This is going to sound like fiction but I'll get you up to speed.

So Bunnycat will grant any wish *AND* turn the person into a magical girl?

Yes and yes at the cost of everything you hold dear. Bunnycat's a dick.

The miracle he promises sounds too good to be true because it is.

If you have friends and family who are important to you, don't form the contract.

No one tells me what to do!

I didn't. I only gave you a warning and a suggestion.

I won't stop you from making a stupid decision but I hope I helped you make the smart one.

Now that she's gone, let's try this again.

Your head grew back?!?

No, this is another body.

So where did your corpse go?

*BURP*

You Will Not Become Meruru

Hi, Kirino. My name is Kyubey.

A talking bunny... cat... thing?!? But wait... your mouth... didn't move at all...

I'm using what you humans call "telepathy".

To make a long story short, humans call me "Extraterrestrial", "Space Alien", or just "Alien".

What the hell?!? Did that blow to the head do this to me?

You're not hallucinating. I'm here to ask you to form a contract with me and become a magical...

*BLAM*

HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK

That was a close encounter of the turd kind.